Sammy's Blog

Unfortunately, it was one of those horrible birthdays. Made me feel like I shouldn’t be alive and pushed me farther into depression.

The day started off real good. I had Justin come to my house for 7:30am so we could cook him breakfast, then I was going to go to Louise’s (grandma’s house that i’m house sitting for a month) and have a shot with him first thing in the morning. He came, ate breakfast and went to go have the shot – ended up not having any cause the pre-measured packaged shots Louise had in her fridge had milk in them - and they went sour. So, we just went to work without the Alcohol (Fine with me!).

The trouble started when I picked him up at lunch. He told me that his parents were taking him out for supper that night - and they did not want me there. I got really upset and tried to keep it in. I was having trouble keeping composed so I went to the washroom and closed the door and just tried to calm down before going out in the living room back to where Justin was. However, he knew i was upset and kept bugging me to find out what was wrong. Of course that resulted in me getting more upset and not able to control my composure and I started crying and he finally got it out of me that I was upset that his parents don’t consider me apart of the family and I feel like shit that I can’t spend my boyfriend’s 18th birthday supper with him. He got mad and said I had no right to be mad that his parents want to spend some alone time with him. And he’s sick of me always wining about not being included and sick of my “bullshit”. Then he called his mom and told her to change the reservations to 5 instead of 4 people so I could be included. But I was still upset and not agreeing to go. Why would I go after I had to breakdown and ball my eyes out before getting invited? So that made him more upset.

I had to go to work - so I just took him to work and never resolved the issue. Told him I’d pick him up from work when I was done. We’d discuss everything then.

When I got to Northland to pick him up - his brother who is in town for the weekend (Josh) was already there picking him up. Justin said for me to go home and shower and get ready for supper and he’ll call me when he got home. I was upset that he wouldn’t talk to me because we were having a big arguement and needed to resolve it. He told me to then just meet him for the strippers at 6:15 at the Wescana. I got mad, and just drove away and went home. I was utterly fed up so I sent him a text msg that said “fuckit, and fuck you. I’m done.” So he replied “ok that’s it, i’m sick of all of your bullshit we’re DONE!”. Then I proceeded to breakdown (Somewhat like when i found out Theo and Serena spent the night together). I phoned him at the house and he talked to me, we calmed each other down. He said for me to meet him at the Wescana, I said that I wanted him to come here and pick me up, or get dropped off here and come with me. I don’t just go somewhere alone. He was still yelling at me and was upset with me and said “Just can’t you do one fucking thing I ask? just fucking meet me there, you’re a big girl I dont have to hold your hand all the god damn time.” so – even though I never EVER just meet anyone somewhere, I did it. He told me to just wait outside in my car and he’d look for me. I sat there and sat there and sat there and phoned his cell over and over again. Thirty minutes later I got fed up and started to drive away - then I saw him. Coming OUT of the Wescana. He went in without even looking for me - went to the strippers for the very first time and started his birthday drinking without me. Knowing I was sitting outside somewhere in my car. I was beyond ready for a breakdown. It was the same feelings all over my body when Theo left me. I felt utterly betrayed and just hurt real bad. When I started to get mad and confront him, he said that he didn’t need my shit on his birthday. Told me to leave if that’s the way I was going to be - he doesn’t want me around if i’m going to be upset and Ruin his birthday.

I calmed down and played nice – went for supper with his parents and his brother and cousin and him. Then went to the bar. At about 11:30 we went out to my car to sit down in the air conditioning and get away from the misquitoes cause they were really bad, and I noticed my car was Egg’d real bad. It was a great add-on to an already perfect night. So I jumped in my car, threw the already very drunk justin in the passenger seat and ran to the car-wash to wash my car before the egg dried. It looked like it was just recently done. I got it off quite easily - but while Justin and I were alone, he asked me if I was mad at him. I said of course. So he pushed me to tell him why (even though I kept saying we’ll deal with it tomorrow - tonight its your birthday), so I told him. Then he got pissed off at me because I have no right to be mad at it. I knew where the bar was, I should have just went in. Meanwhile, i was phoning his phone constantly, and he wasn’t answering because he had a naked chick infront of him. (Now that there just bothers me really bad – I dont want him looking at someone else’s body, stripper or not! and when his fiance is phoning him - he should be answering it!!!) He just kept putting me down over and over again because I didn’t find the bar. (by now we were driving towards the casino) and I just lost it and started SCREAMING at him, and he wouldn’t even let me talk and say what I had to say - he’d just butt in and not let me say anything, so my arm lifted and I smacked him in the face with my fist. Right then and there my whole body went numb and my heart skipped a beat. Reality totally just HIT me. I couldn’t believe what I had done. he just went calm (after holding himself back from punching me back). after about 60 seconds i whispered “i’m sorry.” and he’s like “save it. it’s not the time, nor the place.” I just kept trying to talk to him. He was very upset with me – said that he should leave me just then and there. But he’s giving me one more chance - he’s sick of my drama and sick of all my bullshit. Said there’s nothing under me holding me up anymore but air, and anymore shit from me – and i’m gone. [It totally reminded me of Theo and I, and how Theo would talk to me. Made me feel absolutely worthless, like I was begging him to have me around. It was not a healthy feeling at all.] I went to hold his hand or hug him (we were parked by now) and he’s like “no, don’t even get close to me, that’s the very last thing I want right now.” we sat there in my car for a few minutes. Then we got out and started walking into the casino to meet up with his parents. I stopped and told him to look at me, he did and i said “i’m sorry. I love you, I really do.” and i hugged him. He kept his arms down without touching me, then I said “at least try Justin.” and he put his arms lightly around me - not giving it much of a hug at all. I said “You can do better than that.” He said “Yeah, I could, but i’m not sure I want to.” I asked him if he wanted me to just leave and go home and he said no, no point running from your problems. We went into the Casino and started to feel better around each other. (By now his stomach was quivvering and had already thrown up once.. only because of the drama that was happening between us). We lasted inside the Casino for maybe 10 minutes before we went outside for air. his parents followed us out and said to just go home and put him to bed. He wanted me to drive him home so we could talk so I did. We talked and got better air between us. I got him home, put him in bed and he wanted me to lay with him. I did, I held him and got him water and a puke bucket incase he got sick. He fell asleep, and when I knew he was in a deep enough sleep to stay sleeping – I got up and left and went home.

I still felt like utter crap when I got home. Almost worse because I kept thinking about him leaving me outside in my car when he went into the strippers. It bothers me sooo much. It feels like a total kick in the stomach. My reaction when I think of it is to almost puke. That’ show strong it hurts me. Nan met me at the door (2:30am) and talked to me - asked me what was wrong. I told her a gist of everything that happened up until the point of Justin leaving me outside the Wescana. I didn’t have the guts to tell her I hit him and begged him not to leave me. It makes me feel and seem so worthless, I know I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t beg someone to be with me. It makes me seem very low, and makes me feel very low - but I panicked and I did it. She asked if we broke up and i said “not yet, but we’ll see when we talk tomorrow.” I went to bed almost right away, tossed and turned all night, and woke up by 9am. Couldn’t sleep anymore. I had that really aweful “breakup” feeling in me, and had my stomach problems because of how stressed out I am. Then I texted Justin “You got your phone back yet?” (His brother had it lastnight because he stayed out until 4:30 and needed the phone to call Mom & Dad for a ride). He replied like half an hour later with “Good Morning’ Then he called me and we talked abit – nothing about lastnight though. Just decided i’d go pick him up at 11 and in the meantime go shower and get ready. When I hung up, I went upstairs and talked to Nan and Bob. Nan asked if I talked to Justin yet and said “yeah” and she said “positive or negative” i’m like “It went well I guess. I’m going to pick him up at 11 and get his birthday gift in town that was promised to him.” I went for my shower, went back upstairs and sat with Nan and Bob and we talked for about an hour about Justin and my relationship with him - and what they think of it. Nan said she sees that i’m not happy and that maybe we should breakup. I should dump him because I don’t deserve all the crap I get from him - or his mother. The fact that he’s not standing up for me towards his mother means that he can’t care for me as much as he should. She said that his family (by whole in General) have always been considered “Trailer Trash” in this town and they all are not very successful in life. I come from a more successfull prominent family - and that might not mix very well. She doesn’t want me to be with someone that can’t make me happy. Bob said he’s not happy with how Justin’s been acting, and that he’s lost all respect for him. But its my decision – just he hopes that things work out and I make the right one.

I left to pick Justin up at 11, ended up stuck at the house until 12. His mother wanted him to have his birthday cake, so we waited for her but she was too lazy to get her fat ass off the couch and light the candles and get ready - so we left for town. We did our stuff uptown, and Justin got his ear pierced again (It grew in). Went for lunch - then went back to Louise’s house and sat there and did our best to have a good talk. (WIthout everyone yelling). I think it went well. I told him how I feel about us, and how his parents treat me and how he treats me. and he told me that I can’t always expect to be with him and his parents for family time. They want to spend alone time together. and i said “There’s the difference between our families. When mine wants family alone time - they will ALWAYS include you on that. It feels pretty bad when your parents dont include me.” He told me that he wants me to sit down with his mom and talk to her and tell her all this. I explained to him that its not going to happen. I feel I have no right to sit down with her and demand that she treat me as part of the family. It’s not like we’re married yet. I said right now, where we’re at – its your responsibility. Just as when Bob has a problem with you, I am the one that sits down and discusses it for you. Bob even told me this morning that Justin should be sticking up to his mom for me. Saying osmething like “She’s my girlfriend and you’re just going to have to deal with it and start treating her with some respect.” He didn’t really have much to say on that, but i can tell he registered it. Not sure if he’ll actually talk to her or not.

Mom & Dad decided to go to Swan River today (2.5 hour drive) to see Mom’s parents and bring Josh there. Leaving Josh the truck (as he’s taking the grandparents to Winnipeg for a doctors appointment tomorrow and needs a vehicle). Justin didn’t want to go, and I felt a little bad because we had plans for today to continue celebrating his birthday. But he told me that he wants to go to see his grandma and aunt, the only reason he doesn’t want to go is because i’d get upset. I said i’m fine with him going and i’m not upset. If he wants to go – it doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is when he DOESN’T want to go and he allows his parents to walk all over him and drag him around. That’s what bothers me. So he left for Swan at about 3pm. They left me our new dog Buddy to watch because they refused to take him (but they took their dog) ((They meaning – John and Karen)). So Buddy’s at my house keeping me company driving me nuts. He’s still a puppy and getting into everything. Bob isn’t too happy he’s here, He wants to keep him locked in our garage overnight because he doesn’t get along with the other dogs. I said i’d just keep him in the basement somehow. That’s what i’ll do too. Justin will be home tomorrow, probably around 2pm, Buddy will get to go home then.

I’ve started to calm down and hope that things will work out between Justin and I. I do have a different outlook on it though. I’m not going to beg him to stay with me. I’m not going to do that. If he wants to leave me – The door is open. And I told him that. I CAN live without him - I have done it before and I know I can continue doing it. I know there would be someone else out there for me. So I’m not going to allow him to hurt me the way Theo did.

We discussed my Career - and what i wanted to do. He wants us to move to Swan River because he loves it there (but its a really tiny little farming town) I explained to him, I don’t see myself being successful there. It’s too small, not much is happening. I dont’ think I’d like it. But we did agree that I’d move to a city to do my university - he will probably come with me. Then when i’m done, we’d at least give Swan River a try. If I dont like it and it doesn’t work – we’ll move somewhere, do something so that both of us could be happy with our lives.

Now —– I know it’s easy to talk and plan, the hard part is following through. I am really going to try to get through the hard part. I promise to give it my all and try.